Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good liar.
When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.
Wow this place is really big isn't it? They must do proper stuff here, like opera and all that...shite.
It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing
Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
The only reason why you were WWE Champion for a year, is because Triple H didn't want to work Tuesdays.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble. Unfortunately, one was a salted.
I really wanted to just be a musician. I didn't want to be anything else, but I was funny and all that.
I'm the one guy who says don't force the stupid people to be quiet - I want to know who the morons are.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
There will be good days and bad, which means that some days I may be cranky and some days really cranky!
Iraqi forces are still in control of the city, and they are engaging in an attrition war with the enemy.
Dalmatians are not only superior to other dogs, they are like all dogs, infinitely less stupid than men.
Richard Burton had a tremendous passion for the English language, especially the spoken and written word
All those people who go around saying Life begins at forty, they're notable by their absence. The nerve.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find next morning that it was someone else.
I tried it 100 or a million times it couldn't happen again. If I could, I would have carried on playing.
No matter how many times I visit New York City, I am always struck by the same thing - a yellow taxicab.
Muti is going to do the Alpine Symphony this year. He will do it well because it is not very well known.
I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.
Talking about your troubles is no good. Eighty percent of your friends don't care and the rest are glad.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain't been back. It can't have been that good.
The Democrats planned to fiddle while Rome burned. The Republicans were going to burn Rome, then fiddle.
When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.
Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.
If you could see my legs when I take my boots off, you'd form some idea of what unrequited affection is.
A person who wasn't outraged on first hearing about quantum theory didn't understand what had been said.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
The first time I came across the birds and the bees in actual flight, I couldn't identify the formation.
I know they don't recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?
Young Frank Pastore may have pitched the biggest victory of 1979. Maybe the biggest victory of the year!
When I got my first TV set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships with other people.
A woman who would steal your love when your love was really all you had to give was not much of a woman.
Every man has one thing he can do better than anyone else--and usually it's reading his own handwriting.
The only way I'd need a pain reliever to enjoy sex is if all of my fantasies came true at the same time.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
Don't say I don't get along with my teammates. I just don't get along with some of the guys on the team.