Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.
Future generations will look back on TV as the lead in the water pipes that slowly drove the Romans mad.
Unless we take action on climate change, future generations will be roasted, toasted, fried and grilled.
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'
Hector Torrez, how can you communicate with Enzo Hernandez when he speaks Spanish and you speak Mexican?
When you tell an Iowan a joke, you can see a kind of race going on between his brain and his expression.
The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
I miss being able to wake up when I want and go on stage when I want and pull down my pants when I want.
Every black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak 'job interview.'
Sailors, with their built in sense of order, service and discipline, should really be running the world.
I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.
I'm just not one of those naturally funny, relaxed actors who enjoy the spotlight and are so good at it.
Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.
Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.
I've come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.
I don't know (if they were men or women running naked across the field). They had bags over their heads.
I feel that life is short, so we should be disciplined, but at the same time we should have a good time.
Both marriage and death ought to be welcome: the one promises happiness, doubtless the other assures it.
I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
A youth is to be regarded with respect. How do we know that his future will not be equal to our present?
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald".
Gluten free pizza elicits the same response at a hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the 80's.
And all I know is, you've got to give me everything. Nothing less 'cause, you know I give you all of me.
Bad English was the second language of Israel and bad Hebrew, of course, remained the national language.
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!
Because you've been on dates where y'know, you forget to open your eyes and wear pants and speak English.
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
Young lawyers attend the courts, not because they have business there, but because they have no business.
Few misfortunes can befall a boy which bring worse consequence than to have a really affectionate mother.
A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.
The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
I always have a million things going on at once, but I try to put my energy into the most immediate need.
The people don't take baths and they don't speak English. No golf courses, no room service. Who needs it?
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'
Americans are like a rich father who wishes he knew how to give his son the hardships that made him rich.
My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?
I mean what good does it do anyone to kill themselves working, because the worms will get you in the end.
No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.