Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.
I prefer the word 'homemaker' because 'housewife' always implies that there may be a wife someplace else.
In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on a woman.
Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.
People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth."
I sincerely want to meet the girl that was meant for me, but I want to sleep with the girls that weren't.
Oh, this beer here is cold, cold and hop-bitter, no point coming up for air, gulp, till it's all--hahhhh.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
In every American there is an air of incorrigible innocence, which seems to conceal a diabolical cunning.
If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.
It's funny: I'm a lifelong musician, but because I principally play the piano it's been a solitary thing.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks.
Water, water, everywhere, And all the boards did shrink; Water, water, everywhere, Nor any drop to drink.
The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him
After Jackie Robinson the most important black in baseball history is Reggie Jackson, I really mean that.
Oldtimers, weekends, and airplane landings are alike. If you can walk away from them, they're successful.
Bill Gates is just a monocle and a Persian Cat away from being one of the bad guys in a James Bond movie.
At the end of my trial, I was rather hoping the judge would send me to Australia for the rest of my life.
The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
The best feeling is watching a real football game, because the games they show in the movies aren't real.
Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its coat tails.
History, of course, is never real. People either glorify it or horrify it. Or at the very least color it.
I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.
The America's Cup is like driving your Lamborgini to the Gran Prix track to watch the charter buses race.
When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one's mind. It becomes a pleasure.
There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.
If I don't get at least 1 email in any given hour, I begin to think my friends are conspiring against me.
After being impaled by a javelin, while officiating- I'm doing fine now, just resting and hanging around.
The typical old-fashioned diet (in the nineteenth century) was so bad it almost assembled modern dieting.
I know a way to stay friends forever, There's really nothing to it, I tell you what to do, And you do it.
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
I love being married. I was single for a long time, and I just got so sick of finishing my own sentences.
Montefusco bare-hands it and throws him out. That grounder will make you a traveling salesman in a hurry!
When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first.
Michael Bates was a very funny actor; he'd served in India, could speak Urdu, and had great comic timing.
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
Unlikely things to see in a Valentine's card - "I may be dyslexic but that doesn't mean I don't vole you."