Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
If your sister is in a tearing hurry to go out and cannot catch your eye, she's wearing your best sweater.
The worst thing that happens to you may be the best thing for you if you don't let it get the best of you.
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.
Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation - look - please try to understand before one of us dies
All that the comedian has to show for his years of work and aggravation is the echo of forgotten laughter.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
If you send a damned fool to St. Louis, and you don't tell them he's a damned fool, they'll never find out.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
A typical triumph of modern science to find the only part of Randolph that was not malignant and remove it.
Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter.
People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up!
Boros is not with the team today because he's attending his daughter's funeral. Oh, wait, it's her wedding.
I always thought it was funny that my grandparents had bought a ticket to New York and ended up in Glasgow.
Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.
A couple weeks ago I was on the street and I saw an ugly pregnant lady, and I just thought, 'Good for you.'
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
Customers long to interact with - even relate to - employees who act like there is still a light on inside.
Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better.
Wakin' up to find another day. The moon got lost again last night, but now the sun has finally had its say.
Whenever she uses the phrase 'I was thinking...,' that means I either have to move, paint or buy something.
This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.
I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.
I first had a version of this at a Japanese monastery during a silent retreat-don't ask, it's a long story.
It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.
Do I like being thought of as attractive? I don't know anyone on Earth who doesn't, but I do find it funny.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.
There were many reasons we broke up. There was a religious difference: I'm a Catholic, and she's the devil.
They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.
The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.
The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy.
The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.
The knowledge of languages was very useful. I have a university degree in foreign languages and literature.
Even Nature is observed to have her playful moods or aspects, of which man sometimes seems to be the sport.
Personally, I think Jim Henson said it best when he said "Anybody got an aspirin? I think I've got a cold."
I'm a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly.
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.
I was six foot one inch when I started fighting, but with all the uppercuts I'm up to six foot five inches.
People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
The reason why Absurdist plays take place in No Man's Land with only two characters is primarily financial.
If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.
I used to binge-eat and make myself throw up. I was a fat kid. Obviously I didn't quite master the bulimia.
Offering Dragons quarter is no good, they regrow all their parts and come on again. They have to be killed.
Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.
Everybody knows how lazy he is. One day the neighbors saw Fang mow the lawn and I got three Get Well cards.