Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Imagine having journalists in your own home and not even covering the furniture with plastic sheets first.
Muhammad Ali: Superman Don't need no seat belt. Flight Attendant: Superman Don't need no airplane, either.
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we're still alive, before we die.
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
The workers love Khrushchev very much. He hasn't got an enemy in the entire country. Quite a few under it.
No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: he is always convinced that it says what he means.
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
It's funny, the moment you dread the most, seeing yourself bald, is actually not such a bad moment at all.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.
Walked right by an ex-girlfriend today. Not on purpose, I just didn't recognize her with her mouth closed.
There was nothing subtle about our landing. The pilot just pointed the nose at the ground and let her rip.
I had my first bowl of gazpacho when I was fifteen in Spain, and the impression it made was a lasting one.
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.
Well, it looks like the all-star balloting is about over, especially in the National and American Leagues.
Beauty is all very well at first sight; but who ever looks at it when it has been in the house three days?
'Tis a good thing to laugh at any rate; and if a straw can tickle a man, it is an instrument of happiness.
While conscience is our friend, all is at peace; however once it is offended, farewell to a tranquil mind.
Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.
Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.
If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists.
It's funny, but you get to a time in your life when you think you have all the friends you will ever have.
You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.
This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.
An actor who knows his business ought to be able to make the London telephone directory sound enthralling.
The interesting thing about coaching is that you have to trouble the comfortable, and comfort the troubled
If you want to give the devil a nervous breakdown, just get up every day and see how much good you can do.
I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.
How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
Sailing is a completely new sport for me and I wasn't sure what to expect but I've definitely got the bug.
The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.
When asked what would he do if he found $1 million, Yogi responded, If the guy was poor, I'd give it back.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
I don't really have a type of guy I like. It's just like nice guys, cute boys I mean, ones that are funny.
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.
Inner child, what do you suggest? 'I WANT A TREEHOUSE!' Anything else to add? 'FARTY NOISE UNDER THE ARM!'
There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
Bob Dole used to be really funny. Barney Frank can be kind of funny. Bob Kerrey has a good sense of humor.
Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?
Finland has produced so many brilliant distance runners because back home it costs $2.50 a gallon for gas.
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".
A true sonnet goes eight lines and then takes a turn for better or worse and goes six or eight lines more.