Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.
We used to sleep five to a bed and three of them used to wet the bed. I learnt to swim before I could walk.
I am not fond of speaking about politics because I don't have in my possession an army of 200,000 soldiers.
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.
Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple
I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
I am thinking of taking a fifth wife. Why not? Solomon had a thousand wives and he is a synonym for wisdom.
We named all our children Kid. Well, they have different first names, like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .
I'm smart and I can be really funny and interesting and I can go toe-to-toe with anybody in a conversation.
People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
It's funny, I never considered that people are going to see me on the show and maybe stop me on the subway.
I have caught more ills from people sneezing over me and giving me virus infections than from kissing dogs.
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
There is good government when those who are near are made happy, and when those who are afar are attracted.
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!
Blessed are they who hold lively conversations with the helplessly mute, for they shall be called dentists.
Whenever you observe an animal closely, you feel as if a human being sitting inside were making fun of you.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected.
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
If you could cross a lion and a monkey, that's what I'd be, because monkeys are funny and lions are strong.
Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.
There's not a single job in this town. There's nothin', nada, zip. Unless you wanna workforty hours a week.
In the distance, Bo saw a fairy. A fairy so beautiful that he felt proud of being called one in highschool.
Why did Nature create man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
If you think that you have caught a cold, call in a good doctor. Call in three good doctors and play bridge.
Even a stopped clock is right twice every day. After some years, it can boast of a long series of successes.
My mum, a strange creature from the time when pickles on toothpicks were still the height of sophistication.
Every experience in your life is being orchestrated to teach you something you need to know to move forward.
Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.
Volleyball, I could be pretty good. After a few practices I could be that striker, or whatever they call it.
Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That's the new American dream.
Who has connections to Connecticut? That's where rich people go to live the rest of their life in the woods.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
An atheist is a man who watches a Notre Dame - Southern Methodist University game and doesn't care who wins.
Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
I think if I'm with a friend group, I try to be as funny as possible, and I don't always succeed, obviously.
Somebody should tell Jerry Falwell that God is an Independent . . . he's not rich enough to be a Republican.