Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
We had 1 book, the phone book, I've read it, it wasn't a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.
Every man is wise when attacked by a mad dog; fewer when pursued by a mad woman; only the wisest survive when attacked by a mad notion.
I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.
You can't imagine what a pleasure this complete laziness is to me: not a thought in my brain- you might send a ball rolling through it!
Yeah, it's kind of tongue-in-cheek. You know, Five Finger Death Punch doing 'Mama Said Knock You Out.' It was just really funny for us.
Banks have a new image. Now you have 'a friend,' your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin. I wonder would they know it was me?
There'll be two dates on your tombstone and all your friends will read 'em but all that's gonna matter is that little dash between 'em.
Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.
There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have charge of children, but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.
When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants
To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
You cannot hope to bribe or twist, thank God! The British journalist. But seeing what the man will do unbribed, there's no occasion to!
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.
After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.
I had this dream, and I really wanted to be a star. And I was almost a monster in the way that I was really fearless with my ambitions.
I don't care how handsome or fabulous or funny the groom is, or how sweet and accommodating the bride, or vice versa. Marriage is hard.
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
I tried the Scarsdale diet and the Stillman water diet (you remember that one, where you run weight off trying to get to the bathroom).
These mercenaries and hirelings kidnapped civilians in the Al-Faw Peninsula so that they might claim that they captured Iraqi soldiers.
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.
I was in a panto last year, Aladdin and The Wonderful Lamp. I played the wick. I got the sack because I was too well-oiled every night.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
As soon as I arrive at the house, Laurie starts running, hits my chest, knocks me down, and licks my face. It's become a family ritual.
The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.
I was seized by the stern hand of Compulsion, that dark, unreasonable Urge that impels women to clean house in the middle of the night.
The only food he has ever stolen has been down on a coffee table. He claims that he genuinely believed it to be a table meant for dogs.
I like Wagner's music better than anybody's. It is so loud that one can talk the whole time without other people hearing what one says.
The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.
... As to sleep, you know, I never sleep now. I might be a Watchman, except that I don't get any pay, and he's got nothing on his mind.
A lawyer's dream of heaven: every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection, and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers.
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're the first to be rescued off sinking ships.
What am I supposed to do if I go bald? Get a wig? Fat, goofy, gay, wig. I might as well get a piano and start an Elton John tribute act!
There's nothing like the eureka moment of knocking off a song that didn't exist before - I won't compare it to sex, but it lasts longer.
Why, except as a means of livelihood, a man should desire to act on the stage when he has the whole world to act in, is not clear to me.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
It had never occurred to us that the Kremlin's new anti-booze campaign would apply to journalists. Now, that's a human-rights violation.
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
Having so many gold courses so close together was ideal for me. With my slice I could enjoy three or four golf courses at the same time.
Alexander Hamilton originated the put and take system in our national treasury: the taxpayers put it in, and the politicians take it out
I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!
If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.