Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
The way my team are doing, we could get Wilt Chamberlain in a trade and find out that he's really two midgets Scotch-taped together.
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
I quite agree with Dr. Nordau's assertion that all men of genius are insane, but Dr. Nordau forgets that all sane people are idiots.
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an ever smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.
San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.
Society is composed of two great classes, those that have more dinners than appetite, and those who have more appetite than dinners.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
While you are not able to serve men, how can you serve spirits of the dead...While you do not know life, how can you know about death
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute.
She say, Celie, tell the truth, have you ever found God in church? I never did. I just found a bunch of folks hoping for him to show.
A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"
Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can't sleep with the window open.
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
My life is now a constant assessment of whether what's happening in real life is more entertaining than what's happening on my phone.
Sexual intercourse is a grossly overrated pastime; the position is undignified, the pleasure momentary and the consequences damnable.
I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.
All things being equal, people will do business with a friend; all things being unequal, people will still do business with a friend.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
I once asked my father for a dollar for the school picnic. He told me how he once killed a grizzly bear with his loose-leaf notebook.
That's why 'Gangnam Style' works. If someone handsome uses that phrase it's just awkward. But if someone like me uses it, it's funny.
The execs don't care what color you are. They care about how much money you make. Hollywood is not really black or white. It's green.
Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.
I literally cringe every time I see someone trying to trash talk. Some people just don't have it and they try, and I find that funny.
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
If my books had been any worse, I should not have been invited to Hollywood, and if they had been any better, I should not have come.
American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.
If I became a philosopher, if I have so keenly sought this fame for which I'm still waiting, it's all been to seduce women basically.
While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.
Money, it turned out, was exactly like sex, you thought of nothing else if you didn't have it and thought of other things if you did.
If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.
Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.
If you are in trouble anywhere in the world, an airplane can fly over and drop flowers, but a helicopter can land and save your life.
Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel across the country from coast to coast without seeing anything.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
I don't get into politics, general or musical, but just call me if you get jury duty. Even in New Jersey I was able to help somebody.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.