Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When I was a little kid I wanted to be Face. I thought, cos I had blond hair and he did too, that when I grew up I'd look like him.
It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.
I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.
I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
Now, they say that New Zealand is beautiful and I do not know -- because after 22 hours on a plane any landmass would be beautiful.
In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.
You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!
A beautiful vacuum filled with wealthy monogamists, all powerful and members of the best families all drinking themselves to death.
To go into acting is like asking for admission to an insane asylum. Anyone may apply, but only the certifiably insane are admitted.
Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, "A teaspoon before going to bed," and in one day he uses seven bottles.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.
The next time you find yourself in an argument, rather than defend your position, see if you can see the other point of view first.
You are not just a funny person or just a journalist. Most people are hybrids of having a smart opinion and a great sense of humor.
I couldn't believe it. That was the first time I had ever seen somebody celebrate for a whole 40-second clock. That was ridiculous.
I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
Heck by the time a man scratches his behind, clears his throat, and tells me how smart he is, we've already wasted fifteen minutes.
Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder.
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
I think any time people behave in a way that's truly them, then they'll never fail. You get in trouble when you try to copy others.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
Do you know, it's funny, but I never thought of being blind as a disadvantage, and I never thought of being black as a disadvantage.
Certainly there are lots of things in life that money won't buy, but it's very funny- Have you ever tried to buy them without money?
As we go from Abraham Lincoln to Theodore Roosevelt to Mitt Romney, I now understand why the Republicans don't believe in evolution.
The release of atomic energy has not created a new problem. It has merely made more urgent the necessity of solving an existing one.
James Caan told me at the end of filming 'Elf' that he had been waiting through the whole film for me to be funny - and I never was.
For your popular rumour, unlike the rolling stone of the proverb, is one which gathers a deal of moss in its wanderings up and down.
Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.
In Hollywood if you are not working, you are a leper. True, you are probably living in the most expensive leper colony in the world.
A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
Maybe people don't see me as believable playing a person of today. I guess I'm just more realistic in a corset and funny hairstyles.
Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His kids.
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
The funny thing about history is that we imagine that people didn't laugh in the old days, but of course they did, at stupid things.
A policeman stopped me and said: Would you please blow into this bag, sir? I said: What for, officer? He said: My chips are too hot.
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'
Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for the liver. I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant Irish people.
[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.
I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.
You ever hear girls say that? "I'm not religious, but I'm spiritual." I like to reply with "I'm not honest, but you're interesting!"
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
When I was young, I believed in three things: Marxism, the redemptive power of cinema, and dynamite. Now I just believe in dynamite.
But you can't focus on things that matter if all you've been is asleep for forty years. Funny how sleep rhymes with sheep. You know.
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.