Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.
Tony Taylor was one of the first acquisitions that the Phillies made when they reconstructed their team. They got him from Philadelphia.
Thank you for calling customer service. If you're calm and rational, press 1. If you're a whiner, press 2. If you're a hot head, press 3
I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.
I despise the Lottery. There's less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit on the head by a passing asteroid.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"
The Holocaust would never have happened if black people lived in Germany in the 1930s and 40s … well, it wouldn't have happened to Jews.
Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.
When a baseball player makes an error, it goes into the record and is published. How many of us could stand this sort of daily scrutiny?
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
Dogs are great assets to candidates, and the feeling seems to be engendered that if a dog loves the candidate, he can't be all that bad.
Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, hold our breath and hope we've set aside enough money for our kid's therapy.
I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.
There are two golden rules for an orchestra: start together and finish together. The public doesn't give a damn what goes on in between.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Of all the self-fulfilling prophecies in our culture, the assumption that aging means decline and poor health is probably the deadliest.
If you're not going to love the Spurs, just don't talk smack to me about it. And if you're going to talk smack to me about it, be funny.
A mere forty years ago, beach volleyball was just beginning. No bureaucrat would have invented it, and that's what freedom is all about.
It's not common for a woman on television, especially if she's the mom of the family, to be funny. She's usually a straight man or foil.
I've been playing golf a long time, although it's not really true that on my first round they strapped my bag on the back of a dinosaur.
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
A sailing ship is no democracy; you don't caucus a crew as to where you'll go anymore than you inquire when they'd like to shorten sail.
Anyone who takes himself too seriously always runs the risk of looking ridiculous; anyone who can consistently laugh at himself does not.
If we have to have a choice between being dead and pitied, and being alive with a bad image, we'd rather be alive and have the bad image.
If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.
Infancy conforms to nobody: all conform to it, so that one babe commonly makes four or five out of the adults who prattle and play to it.
My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'
We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.
El Salvador has the scenery of northern California and the climate of southern California plus - and this was a relief - no Californians.
Life is the movie you see through your own eyes. It makes little difference what's happening out there. It's how you take it that counts.
I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.
Be stupid, be dumb, be funny, if that's who you are. Don't try to be someone that society wants you to be; that's stupid. So be yourself.
My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes.
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
Put every great teacher in a room, and they'd agree about everything, but put their disciples in there and they'd argue about everything.
A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?
At the upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony will perform together as the first time, as man and wife. Hopefully music.
I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.
Bobby Ball, who plays my dad in 'Not Going Out,' is very funny. He has a magical sense for comedy that nobody has been able to replicate.
After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'
It's funny. You succeed, but now where are you gonna go from there? I've got to keep proving that I can laugh or cry more real each time.
I feel funny about owning art. I don't really want to say: 'Wow, come and see my Monet - it's in a dark room at the bottom of my cellar.'
Democrats lead in all the polls by at least ten points, except one.. Fox News. That is with a margin of error of plus or minus the facts.
When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.