Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.
I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.
I backed horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself.
Comedians don't laugh. They're too busy analyzing why it's funny or not.
All I care about is making jokes that are funny and making people laugh.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.
By nature, men are nearly alike; by practice, they get to be wide apart.
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
I hospitalized a rock, killed a brick...I'm so bad I make medicine sick!
She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.
He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
That's Hendrick's 19th home run. One more and he reaches double figures.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
With improv, it's a combination of listening and not trying to be funny.
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
I think I am about 5 for 500 when it comes to successful ideas vs flops.
It is better to be unfaithful than to be faithful without wanting to be.
Get out the rye bread and mustard grandma, cause it's GRAND SALAMI TIME!
My mom always said that there would be haters. Not everyone can love ya.
Imagine that, a poncho sombrero combo, I'll be off my tits on happiness.
He who merely knows right principles is not equal to him who loves them.
You know you're getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
Being a journalist, Hacker had no particular talent for reporting facts.
Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly
The Cardinal is at his wit's end - it is true that he had not far to go.
If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?
AT&T to wed T-Mobile. Following the ceremony there will be no reception.
Swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me!
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.