Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Of course God enjoys a good prank as much as the next infallible deity.
Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot-water bottles.
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'
Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue.
Television: The word is half Greek, half Latin. No good can come of it.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
At present there are such goings-on that everything is at a standstill.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
So Carol, you're a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?
Money will buy a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail.
To live as one likes is plebian the noble man aspires to order and law.
Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.
In theory, theory and practice are the same. In practice, they are not.
Sometimes I go into my own little world. It's okay, they know me there.
Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.
People say conversation is a lost art; how often I have wished it were.
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
That's the nature of research you don't know what in hell you're doing.
[Ulysses is] the work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples.
A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.
You might as well fall flat on your face as lean over too far backward.
On the mound is Randy Jones, the left-hander with the Karl Marx hairdo.
I'd rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
You might want to put this in the back of your craw and think about it.
If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
Humor, however broad and genial, takes a narrower view than enthusiasm.
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!
Aw, how could he Jorge Orta lose the ball in the sun, he's from Mexico.
That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
It is more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.
Journalists are like dogs, when ever anything moves they begin to bark.
I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.
A laughing Lear would be monstrous. Not so a laughing Romeo and Juliet.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
I never play cricket. It requires one to assume such indecent postures.
A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now.
We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.
If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable.
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.
Every dream is a prophecy: every jest is an earnest in the womb of Time.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.