Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
There's nothing cute or funny or lovable about being cheap. It's a total turn-off.
I'm a funny guy. You've got to be able to make fun of yourself. We only live once.
On females officiating in the NBA -Incompetence should not be confined to one sex.
You can say what you like about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins.
I always wanted to have my own album released before I graduated from high school.
Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.
Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.
Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure!
Learn, as if never overtaking your object, and yet as if apprehensive of losing it.
Rap music... sounds like somebody feeding a rhyming dictionary to a popcorn popper.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
Gene Richards swings, the ball bounces foul and hits him in the head. No harm done.
Only one way to cover a story like this, and make that a double, bartender, please.
What would you rather be? 52 and look 52, or 52 and look like a 28-year-old lizard?
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
I had to wait 110 years to become famous. I wanted to enjoy it as long as possible.
Hollywood, we decided, was a nice place to die, but we wouldn't want to live there.
A man bitten by a dog, whether the animal is mad or not, is apt to get mad himself.
I have found men who didn't know how to kiss. I've always found time to teach them.
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.
Sugar Ray Leonard's retirements last about as long as Elizabeth Taylor's marriages.
Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash.
Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got the smallest.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.
My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target
If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.
I have lost friends, some by death...others by sheer inability to cross the street.
I never met anybody who said when they were a kid, I wanna grow up and be a critic.
That's the trouble with directors. Always biting the hand that lays the golden egg.
One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
Few women care to be laughed at and men not at all, except for large sums of money.
To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit.
Old people have fewer diseases than the young, but their diseases never leave them.
I'm not sure how healthy bacon is in general, but I know it's incredibly delicious.
Broad-minded is just another way of saying a fellow is too lazy to form an opinion.
If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?
Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.
I only lie for sex or money or to practice for when I need to lie for sex or money.
One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.
I do not like this word "bomb." It is not a bomb. It is a device that is exploding.
Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.