Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.
We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
If I didn't have some kind of education, then I wouldn't be able to count my money.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
The universe is not only queerer than we suppose; it is queerer than we can suppose
Without him here, it is impossible to know how fast he will play it, approximately.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.
That noise in my earphones knocked my nose off and I had to pick it up and find it.
The earth has a skin and that skin has diseases; one of its diseases is called man.
A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back.
It's not because John McCain doesn't care. It's because John McCain doesn't get it.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.
If it weren't for marriage, men and women would have to fight with total strangers.
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
Big Poppa Pump is your hook up, and the next heavyweight championship of the world!
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?
Basketball really had its origin in Indiana, which remains the center of the sport.
Sport is the only profession I know of that when you retire you have to go to work.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.
I like the authentic punk dance you did there. It's like a child dizzy off lemonade
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match.
It is true, I worry about the hype. The only person more over-hyped than me is you.
The Second Law of Thermodynamics: If you think things are in a mess now, just wait!
Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.
Guns don't kill people, people kill people, and monkeys do too (if they have a gun).
To help a friend in need is easy, but to give him your time is not always opportune.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation... The other eight are unimportant.
People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
A book is a mirror: if an ape looks into it an apostle is hardly likely to look out.
I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.
I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?
The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either.
The greatest luxury of riches is that they enable you to escape so much good advice.