Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
It is great to be a blonde. With low expectations it's very easy to surprise people.
If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about.
I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.
I'm attracted to funny people with nice hands who smell good and are kind to people.
As marriage produces children, so children produce care and disputes; and wrangling.
So heavy is the chain of wedlock that it needs two to carry it, and sometimes three.
I don't have lungs anymore! Just two spare bags that flew in under a bridge one day.
I think "immoral" is probably the wrong word to use...I prefer the word "unethical."
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
When music and courtesy are better understood and appreciated, there will be no war.
The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Somebody figured it out- we have 35 million laws trying to enforce Ten Commandments.
Right now I feel that I've got my feet on the ground as far as my head is concerned.
We started with 53,000 people. Half are gone, but surprisingly, most are still here!
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.
I don't drink a lot. My family calls me an old soul. And my friends call me a pussy.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.
I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
I was born with a priceless gift, the ability to laugh at the misfortunes of others.
How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Reggie Smith of the Dodgers and Gary Matthews of the homers hit Braves in that game.
Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.
Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.
Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks.
I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.
Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
One can describe them as a boa: when it feels threatened, it runs to somewhere else.
There is someone warming up in the Giants' bullpen, but he's obscured by his number.
I have a feeling that we are doing better in the war than the people have been told.
As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.
You don't realize how easy this game is until you get up in that broadcasting booth.
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Celebrity is death - celebrity - that's the worst thing that can happen to an actor.
I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.
Everyone could face something that hurts him. But I don't expect that I will be hurt
I have always said that if I were a rich man, I would employ a professional praiser.
When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.