Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.
You walk into the locker room, and you see players with their ripping muscles and stomachs you could wash your clothes in.
I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
Don't talk to me." "Why not?" "Because I want to fix that in my memory for ever. Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret.
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does.
The whimsicalness of our own humor is a thousand times more fickle and unaccountable than what we blame so much in fortune.
We must have the attitude that every child in America - regardless of where they're raised or how they're born - can learn.
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.
I do think we need for a troop to be able to house his family. That's an important part of building morale in the military.
Over the years, I've learned that a sense of humor is the only skill that allows you to turn sucking at life into a career.
Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."
I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.
I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.
The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
You can defeat fear through humor, through pain, through honesty, bravery, intuition, and through love in the truest sense.
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
We will allow private and religious groups to compete to provide services in every federal, state and local social program.
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.
You know, if you find a person that you've never seen before getting in a crop-duster that doesn't belong to you, report it.
I'll come out and say it because no one else will: French gross-out humor is the best. Particularly the illustrated variety.
It's self-effacing, it's hard-luck, the shtetl stories. All those Coasters things are an amalgam of Yiddish and black humor.
We have a certain warped sense of humor in Scandinavia, and that is what comes across in the choices in a lot of our movies.
Sin cannot tear you away from him [Christ] even though you commit adultery a hundred times a day and commit as many murders.
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
Set your compass to beauty, humor, and grief; stay the course no matter what, and I'll support you with everything I've got.
I think being a parent is knowing how to love. Sometimes love is discipline, sometimes it's humor, sometimes it's listening.
I often have said that to be a college president, you need a thick skin, a good sense of humor, and nerves like sewer pipes.
My parents armed me with an amazing sense of humor, and it's what you need when, well, it's what anyone needs in this world.
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
I've always been a fan of a Johnny Carson because he was so great with an audience and not afraid of self-deprecating humor.