Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
I'm sorry if any of you are Catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're Catholic.
The only non-believer I encountered was Oscar Levant who wouldn't visit Disneyland because he said he had his own hallucinations.
Suspense is very important. Even though this is humor and they're short stories, that theory of building suspense is still there.
The Jews are returning to their land of unbelief. They are spiritually blind and desperately in need of their Messiah and Savior.
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
I'm walking out my door to get like a Snapple, and someone's like 'yo man, you want to buy some heroin?' 'No... got any Snapple?'
Nor is it of much Importance to us to know the Manner in which Nature executes her laws; 'tis enough to know the Laws themselves.
So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists.
Well, I hope before Glenn goes, he'll come up here so we can give him a big hug and a kiss, because that's the kind of guy he is.
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
I never knew an early-rising, hard-working, prudent man, careful of his earnings, and strictly honest who complained of bad luck.
Comedy has ceased to be a challenge to the mental processes. It has become a therapy of relaxation, a kind of tranquilizing drug.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Humor is one of the elements of genius--admirable as an adjunct; but as soon as it becomes dominant, only a surrogate for genius.
Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.
Stripped of ethical rationalizations and philosophical pretensions, a crime is anything that a group in power chooses to prohibit.
I try to give all my characters a sense of humor, so I guess I feel like I have done comedy, but maybe I'm better known for drama.
Newspaper people, once celebrated as founts of ribald humor and uncouth fun, have of late lost all their gaiety, and small wonder.
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
I kind of find humor in everything, even to the point where it's awkward - like, the worst scenarios are the funniest things ever.
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."
Hoover, if elected, will do one thing that is almost incomprehensible to the human mind: he will make a great man out of Coolidge.
The clever men of Oxford, know all that there is to be knowed but they none of them know one half as much as intelligent Mr. Toad.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
My makeup wasn't smeared, I wasn't disheveled, I behaved politely, and I never finished off a bottle, so how could I be alcoholic?
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Bob Hope, like Mark Twain, had a sense of humor that was uniquely American, and like Twain, we'll likely not see another like him.
And Kansas City is at Chicago tonight, or is it Chicago at Kansas City? Well, no matter as Kansas City leads in the eighth 4 to 4.
People ask me all the time, ALL the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, 'Bo, you're an artist... how do we fix Africa?'
Wit and playfulness represent a desperately serious transcendence of evil. Humor is both a form of wisdom and a means of survival.
Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.
I encourage employers to permit their workers time off during the lunch hour to attend the noontime services to pray for our land.
Although Kurt Vonnegut may not be considered a humor writer, 'Breakfast of Champions' is one of the funniest books I've ever read.
Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!
There is - I mean - I found early in life that righteous indignation is a little off-putting, and so I try to couch it with humor.
'Understanding' art is like having a sense of humour - if you don't have one, no amount of explanation is going to make you laugh.
We may well lie with what seems to be a woman of flesh and blood, and yet all the time it is only a devil in the shape of a woman.
It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned his party's nomination to start speculating about vice presidents.
A community is infinitely more brutalised by the habitual employment of punishment than it is by the occasional occurence of crime.
If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all.