Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a sense of humor.
If this humor be the safety of our race, then it is due largely to the infusion into the American people of the Irish brain.
Having a sense of humor has served me more than it has hurt me - just in the sense that it has allowed me to keep my sanity.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"
It is characteristic of all deep human problems that they are not to be approached without some humor and some bewilderment.
I try to find humor in everything I do, because I think all great plays - even great tragedies - have enormous humor in them.
I value humor, kindness, and the ability to tell a good story far more than money, status, or the kind of car someone drives.
Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.
We need to have a little humor in our lives. .If the time ever comes when we can't smile at ourselves, it will be a sad time.
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"
I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
American humor ... is not subtle. It is something that makes you laugh the moment you hear it, you have not to think a scrap.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
Bathroom humor, fart, and poo poo humor in movies gets a laugh. It's a pretty easy audience, and that's been around for ages.
If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
The man with the real sense of humor is the man who can put himself in the spectator's place and laugh at his own misfortune.
I cut my own hair. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair coming out.
It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one class of citizens to give to another.
It is forbidden to kill; therefore all murderers are punished unless they kill in large numbers and to the sound of trumpets.
Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.
I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'
Humor is unavoidable. It might not feel funny in the moment, but more often than not there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
I think everyone is born with humor, but your life can beat it out of you, sadly, or you can be lucky enough to grow up in it.