Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.
Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
Athletes tend to have less of a sense of humor than most people. They are heroes to so many. That might be part of it.
As I mentioned we have arrested or detained over 1,000 people here in America to determine to find out what they know.
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
Keep your sense of humor. As General Joe Stillwell said, 'The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind'.
Anyway, I'm so thankful, and so gracious - I'm gracious that my brother Jeb is concerned about the hemisphere as well.
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.
Probably it is impossible for humor to be ever a revolutionary weapon. Candide can do little more than generate irony.
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
This case has had full analyzation and has been looked at a lot. I understand the emotionality of death penalty cases.
When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Along with a sense of humor, my songs have to be sincere, and they have to be sung from a position of inner conviction.
My wife, my daughters, even my grandchildren are funny. You've got to keep a sense of humor because anger destroys you.
Coleman Jacoby and Arnie Rosen won an Emmy and Mel Brooks didn't! Niezsche was right! There is no God! There is no God!
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.
When once you have got hold of a vulgar joke, you may be certain that you have got hold of a subtle and spiritual idea.
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.
I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
The overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities a sense of humor and a sense of proportion.
When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.
If you have wit, use it to please and not to hurt: you may shine like the sun in the temperate zones without scorching.
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
I believe God did create the world. And I think we're finding out more and more and more as to how it actually happened.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues"