Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Never make a joke or try for humor at someone else's expense. In a high-stakes environment, everyone needs to feel safe.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don't.
I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I think he needs to stand up and say if he thought the president were wrong on policy and issues, he ought to say where.
That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
Why anybody gets my sense of humor I never know, but I do know that when they do, I keep them as close as I possibly can.
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
All you have shall some day be given. Therefore give now, that the season of giving may be yours and not your inheritors.
We moved to America when I was young, but we were always very Welsh in our home. The humor, food, traditions. Very Welsh.
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead.
I don't think of myself as funny - I don't fill up a room with my humor... I would fail miserably as a stand-up comedian.
There's some sort of unspoken license... when outlandish things come out of an inanimate object, somehow it equals humor.
An earthly kingdom cannot exist without inequality of persons. Some must be free, some serfs, some rulers, some subjects.
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.
The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it - The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.
All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
I remain just one thing, and one thing only - and that is a clown. It places me on a far higher plane than any politician.
The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them.
I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.
So on behalf of a well-oiled unit of people who came together to serve something greater than themselves, congratulations.
My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.
Those who attain any excellence, commonly spend life in one pursuit; for excellence is not often gained upon easier terms.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
Ghetto humor is the social twin of fantasy; together they sustain the powerless, who accomplish miracles through illusion.
Those of us who spent time in the agricultural sector and in the heartland, we understand how unfair the death penalty is.
Prior to Wordsworth, humor was an essential part of poetry. I mean, they don't call them Shakespeare comedies for nothing.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.
I can't not find humor in elements of most parts of life, but at the same time nothing ever seems perpetually funny to me.