Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country.
It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
I've always thought the word cow was funny. And cows are sort of tragic figures. Cows blur the line between tragedy and humor.
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Everyone is flailing through this life without an owner's manual, with whatever modicum of grace and good humor we can manage.
I sometimes wish that people would put a little more emphasis upon the observance of the law than they do upon its enforcement.
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.
I compare Stephen Sondheim with humor, because humor is unanalyzable. You can't analyze humor. You just have to get through it.
I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"
Comedy is difficult for an actor. But I think I have a good sense of humor and manage to make people laugh and make them happy.
Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.
You can teach taste, editorial sense, but the ability to say something funny is something I've never been able to teach anyone.
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
Nothing seems too high or low for the humorist; he is above honor, above faith, preserving sense in religion and sanity in life.
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
I think a lot of people, when they don't quite fit in in the world, use humor to combat that and to find their place in society.
I've always thought my strengths were I'm smart, and I have a good sense of humor. I definitely struggle with feeling confident.
Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators. Stand-up comedy is very much a conversation. It's very personal, stylistically.
I love National Geographic. Just when you think you've seen the last lost native tribe, National Geographic will find a new one.
Ridicule is generally made use of to laugh men out of virtue and good sense, by attacking everything praiseworthy in human life.
You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.
Condoms should be marked in 3 sizes: jumbo, colossal and super colossal, so that men do not have to go in and ask for the small.
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Since I became a knitting humor writer, I seem to be understood a little better - at least for the purposes of social discourse.
I'm not just a big-haired redhead country singer who dresses flamboyantly, has this wicked sense of humor and wears rhinestones.
A lot of my humor does come from anger. It's like, you're not gonna pull one over on me - which is pretty much my motto anyways.
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
The Art of Conversation could not die in Australia; it never lived. Television did not kill it; there was nothing there to kill.