Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I don't want to have a bad influence on anybody, but there's no point in my giving up cigarettes now. I won't die young.
Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages.
But scientists, who ought to know Assure us that it must be so. Oh, let us never, never doubt What nobody is sure about.
There's a limit to how many times you can read how great you are and what an inspiration you are, but I'm not there yet.
Life is too transcendentally humorous for a man not to take it seriously. Compared with it, Death is but a shallow jest.
There seems to me to be absolutely no limit to the inanity and credulity of the human race. Homo Sapiens! Homo idioticus!
The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.
Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work.
The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves.
The concerts you enjoy together/ Neighbors you annoy together/ Children you destroy together,/ That keep marriage in tact.
An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination.
There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "
From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.
I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.
If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
When you lead a life of scholarship you can't be bothered with the humorous realities, you know, tits, that kind of thing.
In closing, the greatest threat to peace on this earth is the arrogance of a super-power [America] that is out of control.
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.
Maybe there'll be a simple, innocent explanation. I don't think so, because I think we would have offered that up already.
The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, "The trouble with this country is...."
The profoundly humorous writers are humorous because they are responsive to the hopeless, uncouth, concatenations of life.
Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.
The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.
I love the very exposed, humorous, imperfect, never-trying to-pretend-to-be-perfect journey that I have been on in my life.
It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.
She could not have gazed at him with a more rapturous intensity if she had been a small child and he a saucer of ice cream.
Common sense is the most widely shared commodity in the world, for every man is convinced that he is well supplied with it.
Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet.
Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
Nothing is more characteristically juvenile than contempt for juvenility. . . youth's characteristic chronological snobbery.
And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts... Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they're for.
... still his philanthropy was of that gunpowderous sort that the difference between it and animosity was hard to determine.
In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.
Yes, Gujaratis are humorous but that's not all there is to them. Gujaratis are independent, determined and very hardworking.
I love doing humorous roles and I write my characters that way. But I haven't received many offers from others to do comedy.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
It is our American habit if we find the foundations of our educational structure unsatisfactory to add another story or wing.
People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
It's difficult to differentiate between a story that's humorous and clever and one that actually makes people laugh out loud.
As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do"
New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment... a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat.
There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages.