Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.
Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".
In cross examination, as in fishing, nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch.
I'm not going to parse the statement. You've got the statement I made earlier and the statement speaks for itself.
Italians come to ruin most generally in three ways, women, gambling, and farming. My family chose the slowest one.
Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.
$100,000 donors buy access to Congress and the White House. We believe it's long past time to clean up Washington.
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
We are dealing with the best-educated generation in history. But they've got a brain dressed up with nowhere to go.
Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.
We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.
It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do.
An absence of antecedents and of relatives is sometimes an aid rather than an impediment to social advancement . . .
Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.
[Answering the phone] Hello, this is a recording, you've dialed the right number, now hang up and don't do it again.
We do not rejoice in victories. We rejoice when a new kind of cotton is grown and when strawberries bloom in Israel.
I love sharing my stories and experiences with people and connecting to them on both a humorous and emotional level.
You can change your wife, your politics, your religion, but never, never can you change your favourite football team.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
Because of its vitality, the computing field is always in desperate need of new cliches: Banality soothes our nerves.
It's weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I'm expected to be humorous on talk shows.
As I get older and write more books I'm definitely allowing the humorous side of my personality more rein in my work.
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
A fine horse or a beautiful woman, I cannot look at them unmoved, even now when seventy winters have chilled my blood.
Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?
Beer does not make itself properly by itself. It takes an element of mystery and of things that no one can understand.
Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?
The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
How can one better magnify the Almighty than by sniggering with him at his little jokes, particularly the poorer ones?
"It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever" he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?"
There's an incredible amount of pain involved in being a human, but this humorous stuff is essential in overcoming it.
Most people I ask little from. I try to give them much, and expect nothing in return and I do very well in the bargain.
I would like to be able to admire a man's opinions as I would his dog - without being expected to take it home with me.
People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at the stake while the votes were being counted.
Never draw anything you can copy, never copy anything you can trace, never trace anything you can cut out and paste up.
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.
I always say, 'Thank goodness 'Wimpy Kid' was a comedy because my singing in that was more humorous than professional.'
Always enter like a kitten and leave like a lion. But NEVER enter like a lion and leave like a kitten. Always be humble.
I've no time for broads who want to rule the world alone. Without men, who'd do up the zipper on the back of your dress?
With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.