Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.
You can bear your own faults, and why not a fault in your wife?
In high school, I was voted 'Most Humorous' in my senior class.
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
I observe the physician with the same diligence as the disease.
She could have a Grammy I'd still treat her ass like a nominee.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
My wife loves Europe, but to me it's a bad day at a theme park.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
How glorious it is - and also how painful - to be an exception.
The English have no soul; they have the understatement instead.
A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.
Nearly everyone will lie to you, given the right circumstances.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Let us swear while we may, for in heaven it will not be allowed
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
If Blake said that, said Father Brian, he never lived in Dublin.
Why don't you write books people can read?(to her husband James)
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
I'm pushing 60 years of age...and that's enough exercise for me.
Books are no more threatened by Kindle than stairs by elevators.
Injections are the best thing ever invented for feeding doctors.
I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it.
Most successful investors, in fact, do nothing most of the time.
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
My sources are unreliable, but their information is fascinating.
He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace.
Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
The chicken came first - God would look silly sitting on an egg.
Tell us your phobias and we will tell you what you are afraid of
It might suprise you to know I think I raised them too much, too
To be ignorant of one's ignorance is the malady of the ignorant.
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?
Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
Go to humorous events at comedy clubs and watch laughable movies.
Dogs are getting bigger, according to a leading dog manufacturer.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.
Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.
There is no Democratic or Republican way of cleaning the streets.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.
And I have a plan to do even better, to end welfare as we know it
The name of a man is a numbing blow from which he never recovers.