Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My folks were English . . . we were too poor to be British.
I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
A cigar has "...a fire at one end and a fool at the other."
I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.
If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?
My dad used to say to me, 'You look more like me than I do.'
I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
French name. English accent. American school. Anna confused.
A bulldog can whip a skunk, but sometimes it's not worth it.
Sometimes those who need it the most are inclined the least.
Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood.
Of all the noises known to man, opera is the most expensive.
Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees.
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, Advertising wondrous things!
She needed help, but God was in a meeting whenever she rang.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Not enough gets said about the importance of abandoning crap.
Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Manage by responsibility.It is a powerful way to grow people.
Advertising is like learning - a little is a dangerous thing.
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
I have a poor memory for names; but I seldom remember a face.
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction.
I like the word "indolence." It makes my laziness seem classy.
I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.
The only way to lose weight is to check it as airline baggage.
I'm a misplaced American, but don't know where I was misplaced
The worse you are at thinking, the better you are at drinking.
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes
It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.