Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason
The judge is found guilty when a criminal is acquitted.
On second thought, I think I am more crazy than my goat.
You nickednamed my daughter after the Loch Ness Monster?
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.
Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.
I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income.
I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.
Five exclamation marks: the sure sign of an insane mind.
When the eagles are silent, the parrots begin to jabber.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.
When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!
Almost makes you want to go to jail out here, doesn't it?
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
Nothing like watching your relatives fight, I always say.
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.
This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.
WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
I despise the pleasure of pleasing people that I despise.
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
There are two kinds of music; German music and bad music.
Grant me some wild expressions, Heavens, or I shall burst.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
I've always tried to explore the humorous aspects of life.
Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
Beer is a wholesome liquor.....it abounds with nourishment
I'm just trying to portray what I find ironic or humorous.
A deaf husband and a blind wife are always a happy couple.
I can't even get three weeks off to have cosmetic surgery.
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
If ignorance is bliss, then knock the smile off my face...
The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards.
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.
The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper.
I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.