Dave Barry Quotes - Page 4

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Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.

I was really bummed when I got to the last one of Tony Hillerman Navajo detective books.

Genes are little items that are found in every living thing except Sen. Alfonse D'Amato.

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

I tell people view the federal government as a source of entertainment. It's a lot easier.

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

I don't know what you can possibly do for less than $50 to have somebody come in your house.

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

Meetings are places where dead ideas rise from their graves and eat the brains of the living.

Some [soccer] players suffer four or five fatal injuries per game. That's how tough they are.

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

What was life like in the colonies? Probably the best word to describe it would be "colonial".

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.

England is a very popular foreign country to visit because the people there speak some English.

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.

Granted, this system is insane, but we must not let sanity stand in the way of airport security.

As a professional journalist, I am always looking for new ways to get paid for being motionless.

I am a superior form of human and I have absolutely no quirks or irrational impulses of any kind.

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

The method preferred by most balding men for making themselves look silly is called the comb over.

Motto of the U.S. airline industry - "We're Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour."

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

Sign at a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

The term SAT is a set of initials, or autonym, standing for Scholastic Attitude Treaty Organization.

You don't have to think really hard to get the joke. I think humor in general appeals to all people.

Each year, millions of skiers come to Colorado to experience its superb emergency medical facilities.

For 41 years I have gone with a very natural hair "look" that was originally popularized by coconuts.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.

It's very slow for me to create humor. It takes me a long time to write a humor piece. It takes days.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

DNA is an abbreviation for deoxyribonucleicantidisestablishmentarianism, a complex string of syllables.

AARP is a large and powerful organization, similar to the Mafia but more concerned about dietary fiber.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

If you answered, ''Spin the Bottle,'' then I frankly do not want to know any more about your childhood.

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