Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Stache’s attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics—and a big piece if luck.
I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.
People - just weird people are attracted to Miami. And they come there not for serious reasons, usually.
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask whether your country has been inhaling paint-thinner fumes.
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds.
This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.
Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."
This book is dedicated to Wilbur and Orville Wright, without whom air sickness would still be just a dream.
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.
The Romans spent the next 200 years using their great engineering skill to construct ruins all over Europe.
If the people in Europe are SOOOOOO smart, how come so many of them can't seem to locate the deodorant, huh?
If you look at photos of the Gettysburg Address there's a guy off to the right who I think is Keith Richards.
I walked out of the movie "Lincoln" and bought the book [of Doris Kearns Goodwin] at the bookstore next door.
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.
I am not a violent person. I am a product of the Flower Power '60s. I have actually worn bell-bottomed jeans.
I watched as an extremely nerdy exhibitor - I'm talking about a guy who makes Bill Gates look like Brad Pitt.
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
You and Teacher,” said Molly. “Yes,” said Peter. “She’s very clever. You’ll like her.” “I’m sure,” said Molly.
I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.
When I say 'serve you better,' I mean 'increase our profits.' We newspapers are very big on profits these days.
You cannot paint the exterior of your house. You have to take the paint chip down to show the paint-chip Nazis.
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
Sign at a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished?
When doctors describe pain as experiencing "discomfort," it's like saying Hiroshima experienced "urban renewal".
I want to gag sometimes when I see who "we" are recommending that people vote for, and not just as a libertarian.
I bet that if you actually read the entire vastness of the U.S. Tax Code, you'd find at least one sex scene . . .
I had arrived at the airport one hour early so that, in accordance with airline procedures, I could stand around.
To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.
Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spiderwebs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
Washington is nicknamed "The Evergreen State" because it sounds better than "The Incessant Nagging Drizzle State."
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.
Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?
One I'm deeply into is Doris Kearns Goodwin's "Team of Rivals." I was the only person in the US who hadn't read it.
If everybody were a guy, the human race could easily get by on less than one twentieth the current number of shoes.
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.
Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.
People are afraid to own their own homes. People are afraid their own government will catch them fixing their houses.
I'm a big believer in anesthesia. I think it should be used for every medical procedure, indlucing routine physicals.
I've never actually given birth to a child, but I suspect that going to a Justin Bieber concert with a child is close.
If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover.