Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Blind people can stay up longer than someone with eyes.
It's no good operating on eyes if your eyes are asleep.
It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that.
I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.
People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.
With identical twins, you always get a little snidey one.
The Tudors, I don't even know if I had a family back then.
What's that plate that's above a saucer but below a plate?
People who live in glass houses... have to answer the door.
I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.
You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle.
If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about.
I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.
If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.
I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great.
I always have a problem liking things I'm told I should like.
Comedy's really subjective, you know; that's why it's so hard.
If Camels are the ship of the dessert, this one is the Titanic
I don't want to go about offending people; that's not my plan.
I don't want to go about offending people, that's not my plan.
If you're doing the same job every day, there's room for error.
It's not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.
At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?
If an animal is named after what it eats, how interesting is it?
But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.
It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey
We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.
Happiness is like a cake: have too much of it and you get sick of it.
That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.
If you don't have a plan, you can end up doing some interesting things.
Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do.
Normally you can't hear you're own voice because you're talking over it.
If Dracula can’t see his reflection, how come his parting’s always neat?
If you are living the dream, how do you know if you are asleep or awake?
If you’re not happy looking a knob in the face, there’s something wrong.
For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.
I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.
Shitty nappy whizzing through the air, you don't see that in the brochures.
To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.
The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.
Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.
We've invented most of the stuff that we need and now we're just messing about
And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.
I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.
I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much.
You don't have to do it straight away, but just do it before it gets really bad.
Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?
I don't know what the future is, but you just do it whilst it's there, don't you?
I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.
If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.