Quotes by Tim Vine - Page 2

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
Tim Vine / Writer
Funny
Humor
Want
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So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
Tim Vine / Writer
Funny
Humor
Stars
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As you get older you're told to be sensible, but it's important for writing if you're a comic that you're able to still access that childlike thing.
Tim Vine / Writer
Able
Access
Childlike
Comic
Important
Sensible
Writing
Older
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Tim Vine / Writer
Driving
Fine
Left
Nice
Parking
Said
Today
Little
Actually
Today Me Know
Somebody
Note
Copy Quote
So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'
Tim Vine / Writer
Funny
Humor
Oysters
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One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it.
Tim Vine / Writer
Dad
Son
Years
Enjoying
Occasionally
Tour
Copy Quote
So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
Tim Vine / Writer
Funny
Humor
Giving
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With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke
Tim Vine / Writer
Confidence
Smile
Laughing
People
Silly
Copy Quote
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
Tim Vine / Writer
Funny
Humor
Chairs
Dentist
Filing
Filing Cabinet
Said
Unusual
Up And Down
Me Back Go
Me Back Down
Mr
Cabinet
Forwards
Vine
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With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke.
Tim Vine / Writer
Nervous
Silly
Always Confidence People
Condense
Copy Quote
I'm not someone who gets to play The O2 and places like that, but that's the kind of rock and roll venue. The popularity of stand-up means that some people are getting to play rock star venues.
Tim Vine / Writer
Mean
Popularity
Rock And Roll
Rocks
Stars
Venue
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People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff.
Tim Vine / Writer
Busy
Driven
Garden
People
Spiders
Thinking
Hedge
Copy Quote
My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.
Tim Vine / Writer
Bedroom
House
Teenager
Wall
David
Elvis
Hutch
Pictures
Signed
Copy Quote
I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine / Writer
Coffee
Deadline
Minimum
Rubbish
Standing
Thinking
Writing
Day Keep People
Dates
Imagining
Tour
Copy Quote
I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?
Tim Vine / Writer
Funny
Humor
Paris
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Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Tim Vine / Writer
Funny
Family
Dad
Brother
Chinese
Five
Mum
Older Brother
People
World
Younger Brother
Think
Younger
Family Dad World
Apparently
Them
Family Dad People
Colin
Either
Older
Must
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So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
Tim Vine / Writer
Funny
Humor
Ice
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People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine / Writer
Funny
Childhood
Conscious
Effort
People
Silly
Stuff
Swear
Swearing
Tempted
Traditional
Ask
Me
Quite
Anyway
Make
Who
Doing
Were
Comics
Conscious Effort
Without
Influenced
Put
Copy Quote

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Tim Vine Quotes - Page 2

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