Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I have no further use for America. I wouldn't go back there if Jesus Christ was President.
Nobody is going to be as bad for free thinking, right-minded individuals than George Bush.
The marvelous thing about a joke with a double meaning is that it can only mean one thing.
There we go, that's it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".
Without the New York Times, there is no blog community. They'd have nothing to blog about.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".
I think I'm the most underrated superstar that's out there, but that doesn't matter to me.
I wanted to be a doctor in sports medicine; I was into sailing and all that sort of thing.
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
It's all very well to have principles, but when it comes to money you have to be flexible.
In my prime I could have handled Michael Jordan. Of course, he would be only 12 years old.
If you can't answer a man's arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
Acting is a masochistic form of exhibitionism. It is not quite the occupation of an adult.
What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.
Music to me is like breathing. I don't get tired of breathing, I don't get tired of music.
God forbid that any book should be banned. The practice is as indefensible as infanticide.
I lived in LA for almost nine years and if I never went back there again it would be fine.
The court is like a palace of marble; it's composed of people very hard and very polished.
I know when things are going to get me a little nervous, because nervous to me feels good.
Statistics have shown that mortality increases perceptibly in the military during wartime.
Life is short. Ricky and I realize how lucky we were. We want to be together all the time.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
One evening when I had my wood-burning stove going I realized I hadn't thought of dessert.
Books so special and rare and yours that advertising your affection feels like a betrayal.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.
If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk.
I used to stutter really badly. Everybody thinks it's funny. And it's not funny. It's not.
The worst thing about being a tourist is having other tourists recognize you as a tourist.
I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.
Money, if it does not bring you happiness, will at least help you be miserable in comfort.
I only speak a little pigeon French. Just enough to get by with the little French pigeons.
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A book is really like a lover. It arranges itself in your life in a way that is beautiful.
It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.
My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.
I have insecurities of course, but I don't hang out with anyone who points them out to me.
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.
Attack the evil that is within yourself, rather than attacking the evil that is in others.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
Humor brings insight and tolerance. Irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding.
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.
It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
I am not absentminded. It is the presence of mind that makes me unaware of everything else.
The constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself.
Whenever I'm in the U.K., people say I have an American accent. Which is, obviously, funny.