Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Along with the 97 percent of women who can see, I have never been a fan of redheaded men.
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
If you don't have it in your part, leave it out, because there is enough missing already.
A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.
Don't remember me as too nice or beautiful or funny, because then you'll be disappointed.
If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
'I don't say a Zionist must be insane,' said President Weizmann, 'but it helps if he is.'
You know it's a sad day when your child looks at you and asks 'Daddy, are these organic?'
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.
You shouldn't say anything mean about people who can't read. You should write it instead.
That is a good book which is opened with expectation, and closed with delight and profit.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.
Everyone likes flattery; and when you come to Royalty you should lay it on with a trowel.
A comedian's body is funny as well as his mind being funny, his whole personage is funny.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
I really wanted to be nasty and mean and bad. It's so much easier than being the good girl
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
It was dog food. Beef livers with onions in a can. You open it up and it looks like vomit.
Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?
The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don't know which end to talk to.
What difference does it make how much you have? What you do not have amounts to much more.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
It is to be observed that 'angling' is the name given to fishing by people who can't fish.
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible.
That's what I hate about a lot of comedies, when you're hitting a line or making it funny.
I was called Rembrandt Hope in my boxing days, because I spent so much time on the canvas.
A force as of madness in the hands of reason has done all that was ever done in the world.
It's a kind of spiritual snobbery that makes people think they can be happy without money.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
The only thing more frustrating than slanderers is those foolish enough to listen to them.
Ferrari leads, McLaren second, McLaren second, Jordan third, and Benneton fifth and sixth.
Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything.
I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session.
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
The old cathedrals are good, but the great blue dome that hangs over everything is better.
It's funny; I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up.