Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap?
I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.
Resolve was never stronger than in the morning, after the night, when it was never weaker
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.
In America, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, The Party can always find you!
Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive you of interesting detours.
Where I come from, they won't let me play with this rope. They think I might hurt myself.
Beauty fades! I just turned 29, so I probably don't have that many good years left in me.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions-because they know all the answers.
Playing in this nice weather really makes me remember all the times I got stung by a bee.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
He who desires nothing, hopes for nothing, and is afraid of nothing, cannot be an artist.
I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.
Today you are you! That is truer than true! There is no one alive who is you-er than you!
It is virtually impossible to compete in today's global economy without a college degree.
For years politicians have promised the Moon. I'm the first one to be able to deliver it.
Yeah. Some people just don't understand when their facial hair starts to look ridiculous.
It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.
I like my sex the way I play basketball, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.
Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
People never ask people doing serious music, 'Do you ever think about doing funny music?'
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling... the rest I spend foolishly.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel, but not in the kitchen.
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Hervey (Weinstein) thank you for killing whoever you had to kill to get me up here today.
It's funny how things change slowly, until the day we realize they've changed completely.
Mel: What was your name again? Rain: Rain. Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
Don’t put your wand there, boy! ... Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!
All the time he's boxing, he's thinking. All the time he was thinking, I was hitting him.
Any damn fool can navigate the world sober. It takes a really good sailor to do it drunk.
Young man, the secret of my success is that an early age I discovered that I was not God.
Before you contradict an old man, my fair friend, you should endeavour to understand him.
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
Make the land of Islam a burning fire that burns their faces and feet wherever they pass.
I told him he'd have a heart attack a year ago, but unfortunately he lived a year longer.