Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money
In cross examination, as in fishing, nothing is more ungainly than a fisherman pulled into the water by his catch.
By the ruler's cultivation of his own character there is set up the example of the course which all should pursue.
I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.
The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they don't want it.
I have Social Disease. I have to go out every night. If I stay home one night I start spreading rumors to my dogs.
In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
The first thing men notice about a woman is her eyes. Then, when her eyes aren't looking, they notice her breasts.
Scream" was great for what it was. For a horror film, it was intelligent, it was funny, it took a laugh at itself.
There's a reason you never see anyone's house with a Beware of Cat sign. Because they're not even worth mentioning.
There are only three things to be done with a woman. You can love her, suffer for her, or turn her into literature.
Today a newcomer to the state is automatically eligible for our many aid programs the moment he crosses the border.
I'm so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.
We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.
I watch vlogs on YouTube. I watch Jenna Marbles a lot - I think she's really funny - and a lady called Daily Grace.
When a puppy takes fifty catnaps in the course of the day, he cannot always be expected to sleep the night through.
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.
Remind me," he paused, drawing in a stuttered gasp, "to never piss you off again. Christ, are you secretly a ninja?
I've always felt England was a great place for a comic to work. It's an island and the audience can't run very far.
Funny and sad are two sides of the same coin. I think that most comedians are able to tap into deep subject matter.
I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.
I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!
In Western Australia they don't even know how to make that vital piece of sailboating equipment, the gin and tonic.
My hair has never been my greatest feature, so that was funny enough unto itself that my hair became so focused on.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.
When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.
An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered.
People always say life is short. I've never been convinced of that - mine seems to have a tendency to go on and on.
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.
One day in the shower, you figure it out. It's a special day in a man's life. I was like, 'Oh, I found me a hobby.'
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.
It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.
My mother is the kind of woman you don't want to be in line behind at the supermarket. She has coupons for coupons.
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?
XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"
The church is like manure. Pile it up, and it stinks up the neighborhood. Spread it out, and it enriches the world.
It has been said that a bride's attitude towards her betrothed can be summed up in three words: Aisle. Alter. Hymn.
It's funny how you never think about the women you've had. It's always the ones who get away that you can't forget.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.
There's a deep fly ball... Winfield goes back, back... his head hits the wall ... it's rolling towards second base.
I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.
My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
I see they found out the universe is 80 million years older than we thought. It's also been lying about its weight.
Anxiety in human life is what squeaking and grinding are in machinery that is not oiled. In life, trust is the oil.