Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.
Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees.
He does have that weird mixture of born again Christian and stupid that some people mistake for courage and focus.
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
We think there is a parallel between federal involvement in education and the decline in profit over recent years.
Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.
Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.
Hitchcock had a charm about him. He was very funny at times. He was incredibly brilliant in his field of suspense.
To his orchestra Stop da music, stop da music! You're supposed to follow da music, not chase it all over da place.
This is a young man who is only 25, and you have to say, her has answered every question that has ever been asked.
Do I have a long-term plan? Kind of. I have a general direction, I think. But it's funny what comes down the pike.
I believe in eight of the ten commandments. I believe in going to church every Sunday... unless there's a game on.
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
With the exception of women, there is nothing on earth so agreeable or necessary to the comfort of man as the dog.
I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.
I have imbibed such a love for money that I keep some sequins in a drawer to count, and cry over them once a week.
How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?
Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.
Whenever I investigate a smell, I find that the answer is always bad. It's never: 'What is that? *sniff* muffins!'
How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.
English clubs are very exclusive. I played Royal Foxshire and they made me wear a suit and tie. . . in the shower.
Italians come to ruin most generally in three ways, women, gambling, and farming. My family chose the slowest one.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest
You don't have to be an heiress to look like one, if you act like one then everyone will just presume you are one.
You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
Every minute you spend in planning saves 10 minutes in execution; this gives you a 1,000 percent Return on Energy!
It was plain to see the Hollywood undertakers take care of everything. If you die you don't have to lift a finger.
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
That is not all I need. I need dogs. A house filled with dogs and a smart, funny, kind, loving girlfriend or wife.
There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.
I love Americans, but not when they try to talk French. What a blessing it is that they never try to talk English.
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.
People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart.
He has only half learned the art of reading who has not added to it the more refined art of skipping and skimming.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me 85 dollars. That is why in the Navy the Captain goes down with the ship.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
I figured out Karl Rove's political strategy -- make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls.
People must not do things for fun. We are not here for fun. There is no reference to fun in any Act of Parliament.
I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.
The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.
Housework is like bad sex. Every time I do it I swear I will never do it again. Until the next time company comes.
I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.
I have to go and say farewell to all the countries that I have been to, if I can. I am 73 now, it is taxing on me.