Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
We were talking briefly about cocaine... yeah. Anything that makes you paranoid and impotent, give me more of that!
[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart. [Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
The torpid artist seeks inspiration at any cost, by virtue or by vice, by friend or by fiend, by prayer or by wine.
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
Men have a much better time of it than women. For one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier.
It's really extraordinary what a variety of ways of loving there must be. We all do it as it was never done before.
Authors like cats because they are such quiet, lovable, wise creatures, and cats like authors for the same reasons.
Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.
Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!
That's the first time he had started from the front row in a Grand Prix, having done so in Canada earlier this year.
In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do.
I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.
If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized.
They've done away with those committees. That shows the success of what the Soviets were able to do in this country.
I wanted to be funny for people who didn't care about fashion at all, to just to kind of exist as a silly character.
The difference between utility and utility plus beauty is the difference between telephone wires and the spider web.
When I played Lady Day, I took Aba onstage with me as a joke. He started singing-in tune!-and the audience loved it.
I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
It can hardly be a coincidence that no language on earth has ever produced the expression, 'As pretty as an airport.
If you give a person a fish, they'll fish for a day. But if you train a person to fish, they'll fish for a lifetime.
Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.
There's a phrase we live by in America: "In God We Trust". It's right there where Jesus would want it: on our money.
And knowing money is a root of evil, in Christian charity, he'd take away whatever things may hinder your salvation.
Kansas is a piece of real estate that completely disproves the theory of roundness as a quality of the planet earth.
Bats have no bankers and they do not drink and cannot be arrested and pay no tax and, in general, bats have it made.
Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
It's sort of like, our bodies are designed to keep moving, and when we don't move it, we're not going to feel great.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
I was once knocked out by a Mexican bantamweight - six of my pals were swinging him around by his heels at the time.
The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.
I think if everyone would write down the funny stories from their own childhoods, the world would be a better place.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Nevada has a very dynamic economy, with gambling being the number-one industry, followed closely by blood donorship.
On why he no longer went to Ruggeri's, a St. Louis restaurant: "Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded."
Monsieur l'abbé, I detest what you write, but I would give my life to make it possible for you to continue to write.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.
Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.
We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn't want to meet.
At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.
Putting allows the touchy golfer two to four opportunities to blow a gasket in the short space of two to forty feet.
Man is born for uprightness. If a man lose his uprightness and yet live, his escape from death is mere good fortune.
There is only one thing worse than training employees and losing them, and that's not training them and keeping them
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
Separately there was only wind, water, sail, and hull, but at my hand the four had been given purpose and direction.
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
Congress is furious at the Secret Service for consorting with hookers, which has traditionally been Congress's role.
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.