Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"
The European drivers have adapted to this circuit extremely quickly, especially Paul Radisich who's a New Zealander.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide', and he told me from now I have to pay in advance.
As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.
We have North Shore, Hawaii and Lost all there, so they have softball tournaments between the casts. It's hilarious.
South Sea natives who have been exposed to American movies classify them into two types, 'kiss-kiss' and 'bang-bang.
As long as you're excited about what you're playing, and as long as it comes from your heart, it's going to be great.
I have an idea that the phrase weaker sex was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm.
The dog is very smart. He feels sorry for me because I receive so much mail; that's why he tries to bite the mailman.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?
Not Carnegie, Vanderbilt, and Astor together could have raised money enough to buy a quarter share in my little dogs.
My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it was empty.
I'm tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.
War is hell and all that, but it has a good deal to recommend it. It wipes out all the small nuisances of peace time.
I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.
Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.
I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'
I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
One of the reporters must have flunked journalism school because he asked a question that went straight to the point.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
One lion thinks it's just hilarious to tackle us. He's very funny about it... and we always know when it will happen.
Bob Davis has his hair differently this year, short with curls like Randy Jones wears. I think you call it a Frisbee.
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.
Magic Johnson is the best player who plays on the ground, and Michael Jordan is the best player who plays in the air.
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.
Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. That's why you should never date a baseball player.
Adorable children are considered to be the general property of the human race. Rude children belong to their mothers.
Reading makes immigrants of us all. It takes us away from home, but more important, it finds homes for us everywhere.
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
The cool thing about being famous is traveling. I have always wanted to travel across seas, like to Canada and stuff.
Sudden success in golf is like the sudden acquisition of wealth. It is apt to unsettle and deteriorate the character.
I have said nothing because there is nothing I can say that would describe how I feel as perfectly as you deserve it.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it's absurd. But it's tragic at the same time.
I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.
If Rose's streak was still intact, with that single to left, the fans would be throwing babies out of the upper deck.
To be honest dinner conversations was the worst bit about being a child and listening to the boring people around me.
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.