Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.
I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.
Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.
From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.
If it was just the potatoes that were affected, at the end of the day you will pay the price if you're a fussy eater.
It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Any man today who returns from work, sinks into a chair, and calls for his pipe is a man with an appetite for danger.
One hundred infidels committed suicide as they entered the holy city of Baghdad. Their tanks will become their tombs.
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
It was only when I finished the course and left my graduation diploma on the bus that I realized I'd become an actor.
What is the use of straining after an amiable view of things, when a cynical view is most likely to be the true one?.
Our promise to our children should be this: if you do well in school, we will pay for you to obtain a college degree.
Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the rage today and it will set the pace tomorrow.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.
A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."
One of life's most painful moments comes when we must admit that we didn't do our homework, that we are not prepared.
I find it very easy playing Bond. I think he's hilarious. He gets himself into some extraordinarily funny situations.
Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.
The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats allow the poor to be corrupt, too.
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
Being nice can be funny. A lot of my jokes are like, 'Let me take a bad situation and try to put the best spin on it.'
Wealth - any income that is at least one hundred dollars more a year than the income of one's wife's sister's husband.
The discovery of a wine is of greater moment than the discovery of a constellation. The universe is too full of stars.
I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are. That's where us gay people come from - you heterosexuals.
I met Amy Winehouse a few times and she was always funny, charming and self-deprecating - just a delight to be around.
I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.
Whatever is funny is subversive, every joke is ultimately a custard pie... a dirty joke is a sort of mental rebellion.
From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining.
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."
... Variety and the Hollywood Reporter, two publications read more faithfully in Hollywood than the Koran is in Mecca.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.
Yes, I thought I was joining Manchester United, I was misled by all involved. I wasnt aware of another Manchester team
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
The notes I handle no better than many pianists. But the pauses between the notes - ah, that is where the art resides.
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.
My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.
I don't like to channel surf. You guys like it, don't you. You guys like to change the channel. We like to change you.
To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
One of the most difficult speeches to prepare is an address to a graduation class, which is why I don't often do them.
Kill one man, and you are a murderer. Kill millions of men, and you are a conqueror. Kill them all, and you are a god.