Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.
I like to have fun, but I don't think of myself as being funny. But I'm a big jokester, so I make fun of myself a lot!
But Wall Street people are in fact very smart; they're funny, they're not company men who work their way up the chain.
In Africa, we were around thousands of people who have seen a lot of poverty, but they were fun at the end of the day.
Pro and con are opposites, that fact is clearly seen. If progress means to move forward, then what does congress mean?
Laughing, how can you fall asleep? It brings a state of no-mind and no-thought, and does not allow you to fall asleep.
I've always been a big fan of beauty. Sure, you can't judge a book by its cover but who wants to have sex with a book?
P.S. If you do not receive this, of course it must have been miscarried; therefore I beg you to write and let me know.
I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
My father taught me a good lesson: Don't get to low when things go wrong. And don't get too high when things are good.
We were talking about urban youth. And by urban I mean lives in a city not urban as in black like white people use it.
The only way a woman can ever reform a man is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life.
You Cannot Live as I Have Lived and Not End Up Like This: The Thoroughly Disgraceful Life & Times of Willie Donaldson.
The difficulty about all this dying, is that you can't tell a fellow anything about it, so where does the fun come in?
It's funny when people say, 'I don't think Julia likes me.' Honey, if I don't like you, you're going to know about it.
What happens if someone else has my eyes, and they start looking at stuff I don't like? I don't like the idea of that.
If one official signals Falcons ball and Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson signals Seahawks ball, is it a jump ball?
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well.
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need the money the most, are the ones that never have it.
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
Animals are sentient, intelligent, perceptive, funny and entertaining. We owe them a duty of care as we do to children.
A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
A women knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Be pleased to look forward, And pleased to look behind, Count today, your 40th, and each birthday With a grateful mind.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
To know that one knows what one knows, and to know that one doesn't know what one doesn't know, there lies true wisdom.
I drew the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before and, to be honest with you I wanted to see a blue duck.
My wife, my daughters, even my grandchildren are funny. You've got to keep a sense of humor because anger destroys you.
Wars and elections are both too big and too small to matter in the long run. The daily work - that goes on, it adds up.
Coleman Jacoby and Arnie Rosen won an Emmy and Mel Brooks didn't! Niezsche was right! There is no God! There is no God!
That is simply the most beautiful publishing office in the world, with that cranky old building in that wonderful park.
Our happiest moments as tourists always seem to come when we stumble upon one thing while in pursuit of something else.
Politics is just like show business. You have a hell of an opening, coast for a while, and then have a hell of a close.
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
I've been naked in a lot of my movies. There's something inherently funny about the naked male body, particularly mine.
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
What readers ask nowadays in a book is that it should improve, instruct, and elevate. This book wouldn't elevate a cow.
People are wrong when they say opera is not what it used to be. It is what it used to be. That is what's wrong with it.
A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.
The Church is not a gallery for the exhibition of eminent Christians, but a school for the education of imperfect ones.
Whenever a man's friends begin to compliment him about looking young, he may be sure that they think he is growing old.
In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You cannot dictate what people find funny, what people find attractive, or what people find scary. There is not a norm.