Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When Solomon said there was a time and a place for everything he had not encountered the problem of parking his automobile.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
My health plan doesn't cover dental, so I enrolled my teeth as 32 dependents, each needing a complete physical once a year.
Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.
Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.
Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.
I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
I do not know how to distinguish between waking life and a dream. Are we not always living the life that we imagine we are?
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."
There's not much makeup in the army, is there? No. They only have that nighttime look, and that's a bit slapdash, isn't it?
I like someone who has a super gentle spirit and energy. I’m really gentle, and so I like a boy who will treat me that way.
I don't care what anybody says, I think that George Bush is absolutely the right president to oversea the end of the world.
You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.
I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
I used to do a lot of drugs. I didn't stop because I didn't enjoy them; I stopped because I couldn't handle the commitment.
Do you recognise me?" he asked. Willie looked hard and considered before finally replying "Lie down so I can recognise you.
The Democrats believe that if God did not want them to raise taxes, He would not have created the Internal Revenue Service.
An empty head is not really empty; it is stuffed with rubbish. Hence the difficulty of forcing anything into an empty head.
I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.
Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.
It would be a service to mankind if the pill were available in slot machines and the cigarette were placed on prescription.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't driving around on a bus and having a campfire kind of adding to the environment problem?
Somebody said that carrier pilots were the best in the world, and they must be or there wouldn't be any of them left alive.
I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.
Officials at the London Olympics will be conducting 5,000 tests for steroids. Or as Lance Armstrong calls that, 'a Monday.'
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.
Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.
Girls don't poop, so don't claim you do. You can fart - because farting is funny - but we don't want to know that you poop.
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.
Reaganomics, that makes sense to me. It means if you don't have enough money, it's just because poor people are hoarding it.
Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"
Even in name, he seems like a Victorian oddity. "Igor, fetch 'the Crouch' from the catacombs, we're going to the graveyard".
You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car.
It's a funny kind of month, October. For the really keen cricket fan, it's when you discover that your wife left you in May.
I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter.
During the strict macrobiotic chapter of my life, I ate miso soup every day for breakfast and sometimes with dinner as well.
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
I really like Rafer Alston. We get along great. We have a lot of fun times together that I canââ¬â¢t share with you guys.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
With the possible exception of God during the writing of the Bible, every writer in history has needed an editor. So do you.
I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.
On the stage you're there, it's live. There's a beginning, a middle, an end. When something is funny you hear it right away.