Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
There's the perception Danni Minogue is the sweetest little thing in the world but she's not... she's got balls of steel.
The most valuable of all human possessions, next to a superior and disdainful air, is the reputation of being well-to-do.
My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
Comedy is just an unspoken language. Everybody understands it. Funny is funny. When it's not funny, they'll let you know.
I write about wounds, the eternal treasons of life. It's not very funny, but it's sincere. My commitment is to sincerity.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' but 'That's funny...'
When I was a little boy, I told my dad, 'When I grow up, I want to be a musician.' My dad said: 'You can't do both, Son'.
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
There's something dangerous about what's funny. Jarring and disconcerting. There is a connection between funny and scary.
I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.
The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch someone else do it wrong without comment.
Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
It's so funny how social media was just this fun thing, and now it's this monster that consumes so many millennial lives.
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
Being pretty on the inside means you don't hit your brother and you eat all your peas - that's what my grandma taught me.
Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.
If Diane Modahl was 40 times over the testosterone limit she'd have a deep voice and we'd all be calling her Barry White.
When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?
If you can walk with your head in the clouds and keep your feet on the ground, you can make a million dollars in the NBA.
Traveling is like flirting with life. It's like saying, 'I would stay and love you, but I have to go; this is my station.
Saddam Hussein's soldiers and his great forces gave the Americans a lesson which will not be forgotten by history. Truly.
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it - The Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.
All TV is, is really: 'Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that.' There's nothing really in the middle.
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
Men know everything - all of them - all the time - no matter how stupid or inexperienced or arrogant or ignorant they are.
Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt.
I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.
The tires are called wets, because they're used in the wet. And these tires are called slicks, because they're very slick.
I want to thank my parents for somehow raising me to have confidence that is disproportionate with my looks and abilities.
I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.
A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.
Before I married, I had three theories about raising children and no children. Now, I have three children and no theories.
Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.
A sportswriter once referred to him as our future president. With a name like Kevin, I don't know whether that's possible.
An unsophisticated forecaster uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts - for support rather than for illumination.
The trouble with this country is that there are too many people going about saying, "The trouble with this country is...."
When I first started running, I was so embarrassed I'd walk when cars passed me. I'd pretend I was looking at the flowers!
Staring down the barrel of a gun is the scariest thing you could ever experience. It's not funny. It's not for the movies.
As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
Many people are surprised to hear that we have comedians in Russia, but they are there. They are dead, but they are there.
We've got a wood-burning pizza oven in the garden - a luxury, I know, but it's one of the best investments I've ever made.
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"