Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
It's so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day.
Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back, you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
When I appear in public, people expect me to neigh, grind my teeth, paw the ground and swish my tail - none of which is easy.
People think [baseball players] make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000.
The trouble with us in America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has turned to Advertising copy.
The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
Two people getting together to write a book is like three people getting together to have a baby. One of them is superfluous.
I'm a firm believer that all sports will eventually be global. Someday, we may have a quarterback from China named Yao Fling.
Our incomes are like our shoes; if too small, they gall and pinch us; but if too large, they cause us to stumble and to trip.
The funny thing is, the girls that I'm always up against for roles are pretty nice and cool, like Emma Watson. She's awesome.
Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor.
Guide dogs for the blind. It's cruel really, isn't it? Getting a dog to lead a man round all day. Not fair on either of them.
Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more.
People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
I cut my own hair. I got sick of barbers because they talk too much. And too much of their talk was about my hair coming out.
I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.
Nate Silver is now forecasting Oscar winners. The only area of life in which he has no expertise, ironically, is life itself.
It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator.
Study hard; and you might grow up to be President. But let's face it: Even then, you'll never make as much money as your dog.
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
A well known American writer said once that, while everybody talked about the weather, nobody seemed to do anything about it.
He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three; I attended their funerals.
Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny.
Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.
Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.
I'm lazy. But it's the lazy people who invented the wheel and the bicycle because they didn't like walking or carrying things.
Taxi drivers all over the world, by the way, are under Newspaper Guild contract to give easy quotes to foreign correspondents.
Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
I once punched a bloke in the face for saying 'Hawk the Slayer' was rubbish, when what I should have said 'Dad, you're wrong.'
Like all sciences and all valuations, the psychology of women has hitherto been considered only from the point of view of men.
Playing scales is like a boxer skipping rope or punching a bag. It's not the thing in itself; it's preparatory to the activity
If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
A man who is right by your side through everything makes you happy. But he can leave your side to make dinner once in a while!
I played Little League and in high school. I played more over the years whenever there was a pick-up game... usually softball.
Men are simpler than you imagine my sweet child. But what goes on in the twisted, tortuous minds of women would baffle anyone.
New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment... a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat.
During job interviews, when they ask: 'What is your worst quality?', I always say: 'Flatulence'. That way I get my own office.
Go figure a crazy, mixed-up country where ballet outsells boxing. I wouldn't be surprised if their wrestling was on the level.
My father walked to school 4 o'clock every morning with no shoes on, uphill, both ways, in 5 feet of snow and he was thankful.
Poets, we know, are terribly sensitive people, and in my observation one of the things they are most sensitive about is money.
My Scottie refused to go for a walk with a friend of the house, but she would joyously accompany any stranger who drove a car.
It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking or whatever.
Don't you just hate it, when you are in bed with three beautiful women, and the least attractive one whispers: save it for me!