Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
He might want to watch where he lands when tackling that guy, because he could really hurt his hand if it gets stepped on.
Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.
When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.'
Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.
If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?
Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!
Now the thing about having a baby - and I can't be the first person to have noticed this - is that thereafter you have it.
Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
I don't care what the haters and naysayers say. If they make jokes about me, I'll laugh because they'll probably be funny.
Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled
From Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
There's a very apt saying in show business: "If you don't go over budget in Paris, you're either very rich or very sick. "
Asking an incumbent member of Congress to vote for term limits is a bit like asking a chicken to vote for Colonel Sanders.
In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.
I can't not find humor in elements of most parts of life, but at the same time nothing ever seems perpetually funny to me.
Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack. Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
The question who ought to be boss is like who ought to be the tenor in the quartet? Obviously, the man who can sing tunor.
The Kappamaki, a whaling research ship, was currently researching the question: How many whales can you catch in one week?
A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.
You walk into the locker room, and you see players with their ripping muscles and stomachs you could wash your clothes in.
I think you should, yeah. You should wash your beard, then shave it off, nail it to a Frisbee and fling it over a rainbow.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
I would like Americans to make things with their hands. Thomas Jefferson and I feel that makes for a much stronger nation.
About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.
Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
It is obvious that all sense has gone out of modern marriage; which is, however, no objection to marriage but to modernity.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
You don't want to have to be the man and the woman in the relationship. I always say you want a man who can fix the toilet.
I'm going to take this God-given gift of being funny, and I'm going to spread it out like peanut butter on everything I do.
I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.
According to a brand new report, alcohol abuse in Ireland is on the rise. Mainly because the guy who didn't drink now does.
The whimsicalness of our own humor is a thousand times more fickle and unaccountable than what we blame so much in fortune.
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe - I believe what I believe is right.