Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."
I've always thought the word cow was funny. And cows are sort of tragic figures. Cows blur the line between tragedy and humor.
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn't get elected, he'd go back to acting.
It's been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be.
When you see a good person, think of becoming like her/him. When you see someone not so good, reflect on your own weak points.
The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended-and not to take a hint when a hint isn't intended.
I mean, I went to a Catholic boys school for a year, but that was to play hockey. Religion class was quite contentious for me.
Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
In the television age, the key distinction is between the candidate who can speak poetry and the one who can only speak prose.
As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do"
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
It's only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.
After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
Don't tell those coming in the final result of that fantastic match, but let's just have another look at Italy's winning goalo.
I sometimes wish that people would put a little more emphasis upon the observance of the law than they do upon its enforcement.
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.
I don't believe in the kind of magic in my books. But I do believe something very magical can happen when you read a good book.
Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.
I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.
Trains are not any more energy efficient than the average automobile, with both getting about 48 passenger miles to the gallon.
I don't want to be put on a pedestal. I want to be known as a nice and normal person, but my skills are a little more excelled.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.
You can't tell me the success of Kevin Bacon isn't somehow tied to his name. You're not going out to see a Kevin Hot-Dog movie.
As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
If even dying is to be made a social function, then, grant me the favor of sneaking out on tiptoe without disturbing the party.
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' I said, 'I am.'
Whenever I see an autobiography for sale in the book store i just flip to the about the author section. I'm like, "Done, next!"
Thank you ... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you ... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"
A dugout is much superior to a conventional manufactured canoe because you can get soaking wet without bothering to capsize it.
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"
It was a typically British birth... I was three at the time. They had a strike in the maternity ward... I came out in sympathy.
When men lose against me, they always have a headache ... or things of that kind. I have never beaten a completely healthy man!
Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.
He's got his dog trained so that it only does it on newspapers. The trouble is it does it when he's reading the blasted things.
I feel that I owe a lot to SpongeBob and all Bikini Bottom for helping me figure out what I thought was funny and entertaining.
"Not sure," he retorted; "you call yourself a journalist, and admit there is a subject under Heaven of which you are not sure!"
As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around.
Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.
Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
The shortest period of time lies between the minute you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival of rain.
For lack of a better term, they've labeled me a sex symbol. It's flattering and it should happen to every bald, overweight guy.
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.