Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Girls have an unfair advantage over men: if they can't get what they want by being smart, they can get it by being dumb.
Always enter like a kitten and leave like a lion. But NEVER enter like a lion and leave like a kitten. Always be humble.
When you're are playing for the national championship, it's not a matter of life or death. Its more important than that.
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV!
There are two kinds of people in this world. The kind who divide the world into two kinds of people and those who don't.
I have always wanted a mistress who was fat, and I have never found one. To make a fool of me, they are always pregnant.
As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.
The first time someone said, 'What are your measurements?' I answered, '37, 24, 38 - but not necessarily in that order.'
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.
Bores can be divided into two classes; those who have their own particular subject, and those who do not need a subject.
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."
I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.
Nothing can duplicate the sheer power and feeling you get from standing in front of your amp and bashing on your guitar.
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
There is no presence of the American columns in the city of Baghdad at all. We besieged them and we killed most of them.
To kill a relative of whom you are tired is something. But to inherit his property afterwards, that is genuine pleasure.
With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole!
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.
I think that I'm so psychotic and so mentally ill that if I could tap into that I could do something really interesting.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
There's nothing I would love more than to host an awards show where I'm nominated for an award - that is so funny to me.
Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one?
It's funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they'll do practically anything you want them to.
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
In a funny way, nothing makes you feel more like a native of your own country than to live where nearly everyone is not.
The game in St. Louis has been halted in the fourth inning because of rain. I'll bet they have the jacuzzis going there.
That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
I can't relate to lazy people. We don't speak the same language. I don't understand you. I don't want to understand you.
Most of you are familiar with the virtues of a programmer. There are three, of course: laziness, impatience, and hubris.
I don't want to have a bad influence on anybody, but there's no point in my giving up cigarettes now. I won't die young.
If someone tells you you're not beautiful, turn around and walk away so they can have a great view of your fabulous ass.
Knowledge is invariably a matter of degree: you cannot put your finger upon even the simplest datum and say this we know.
I never threw an illegal pitch. The trouble is, once in a while I toss one that ain't never been seen by this generation.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.
The morning after my high-school graduation found me up early job hunting. The dream of college I put on the back burner.
The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to.
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
Nothing interferes with my concentration. You could put on an orgy in my office and I wouldn't look up. Well, maybe once.
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
Thieves respect property. They merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.
Mr. Gorbachev has apparently stumbled onto one of the best-kept secrets in recent Soviet history: Communism doesn't work.
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.
People say I'm extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.