Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Ethical dilemmas have a way of sneaking up on a person. If something smells funny, stay away from it. Or help get rid of it.
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for a split.
The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.
I just bought a Chihuahua. It's the dog for lazy people. You don't have to walk it. Just hold it out the window and squeeze.
The printing press is either the greatest blessing or the greatest curse of modern times, sometimes one forgets which it is.
A man in the crowd asks: Hey Rodney, how'd you get started? Rodney: I was 12 years old, alone in my room, and I got started!
The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.
When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.
If the people of New Zealand want to be part of our world, I believe they should hop off their islands, and push 'em closer.
In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too.
A book may be compared to your neighbor: if it be good, it cannot last too long; if bad, you cannot get rid of it too early.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy a Porsche.
Everybody is a potential murderer. I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"
You may be sure that the Americans will commit all the stupidities they can think of, plus some that are beyond imagination.
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
People should just be aware of how they are eating... yesterday I had a McDonald's breakfast and pizza too - but that's bad.
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
My husband wanted one of those big-screen TVs for his birthday. So I just moved his chair closer to the one we have already.
... still his philanthropy was of that gunpowderous sort that the difference between it and animosity was hard to determine.
How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!
I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".
I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.
He took the bride about the neck and kissed her lips with such a clamorous smack that at the parting all the church did echo.
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
The likelihood of getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the direction-giver says, 'You can't miss it'.
Just to settle it once and for all: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The egg, laid by a bird that was not a chicken.
I have only been funny about seventy four per cent of the time. Yes I think that is right. Seventy-four per cent of the time.
A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?
The happiest time in any man's life is when he is in red-hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
She is such a scene-stealer. She's got these lashes and big eyes, and when she walks on to the set everybody just says "ooh."
Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.
Thank you for calling the Weight Loss Hotline. If you'd like to lose a half pound right now, press 1 eighteen thousand times.
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
I was never over-weight, just under-tall. The correct height for my weight at the moment is seven feet ten and a half inches.