Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Television has made dictatorship impossible but democracy unbearable.
The ideal age for a boy to own a dog is between forty-five and fifty.
Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!
As he was valiant, I honour him. But as he was ambitious, I slew him.
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.
Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose.
You can find tea in a tea cup.. but cannot find world in a world cup.
A good cigar is as great a comfort to a man as a good cry to a woman.
Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
That's the authentic punk dance. It's like a child dizzy on lemonade.
Most owners are at length able to teach themselves to obey their dog.
I gave (pitcher) Mike Cuellar more chances than I gave my first wife.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
March isn't the only thing that's in like a lion and out like a lamb.
A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
A man's got to take a lot of punishment to write a really funny book.
Since I've retired, I eat less, weigh less, train less and care less.
We have that Indian scene. We can get the Indians from the reservoir.
For those of you haven't read the book, it's being published tomorrow
All humor is based on hostility - that's why World War Two was funny.
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.
I'd like to punch out a really old lady. There'd be no repercussions.
If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.
A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally.
I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.
I find it interesting how we get carried away by the dogma a-la-mode.
My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I hate niggas! I hate em! I wish they'd let me join the Ku Klux Klan!
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.
I've noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.
As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
When everything is coming your way, youre probably in the wrong lane.
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.
Ah coffee. The sweet balm by which we shall accomplish today's tasks.
I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
She's a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
Mike Caldwell, the Padres' right-handed southpaw, will pitch tonight.
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.