Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
My main point is to be funny; if I can slip a message in there, fine.
I did graduate with a bachelor's degree in civil engineering in 1948.
A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'
History teaches us virtue, but nature never ceases to teachh us vice.
If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.
Americans spend 6 billion hours a year filling out their tax reforms.
Are you trying to tell all of us we have a bad signal-to-noise ratio?
They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.
When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course.
Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!
Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
I love sprinting, but I hate long-distance running. Isn't that funny?
Outside every fat man there is an even fatter man trying to close in.
Important families are like potatoes. The best parts are underground.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
What did the carrot say to the wheat? Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet.
And an airplane of spittle dived into the sea, there were no salivas.
It is man that makes truth great, and not truth that makes man great.
You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.
I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.
A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.
'I will not stand for being called a woman in my own house' she said.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
To do is to be. -Descartes To be is to do. - Voltaire Do be do be do.
-Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? -Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.
Trailing 5-1, the Padres added an insurance run in the eighth inning.
The truth is simple, you do not die from love. You only wish you did.
If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.
The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.
I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.
I don't do drugs anymore... than, say, the average touring funk band.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Fruit... it's just God showing off. "Look at all the colours I know!"
Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are
If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' what is the opposite of 'progress'?