Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.
I received $100 per week when I started working at the Globe after graduation.
Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.
I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.
I'm very, very amateur, which is funny because I'm not in the amateur leagues.
I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship'
I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.
All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk.
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
Twitter is currently valued at $8 billion, or $1 for every hour it has wasted.
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.
It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.
I am sorry for those that disagree with me because I know that they are wrong.
After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.
It's funny how most people love the dead, once you're dead your made for life.
Inflation hasn't ruined everything. A dime can still be used as a screwdriver.
I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor.
Sanguillen is totally unpredictable to pitch to because he's so unpredictable.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
Politics is the art of postponing decisions until they are no longer relevant.
If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
Existence is a series of footnotes to a vast, obscure, unfinished masterpiece.
The only good husbands stay bachelors: They're too considerate to get married.
I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per cent an idiot.
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
I've been up and down so many times that I feel as if I'm in a revolving door.
We travel, some of us forever, to seek other states, other lives, other souls.
I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Basketball has so much showboating you'd think it was invented by Jerome Kern.
Sometimes big trees grow out of acorns - I think I heard that from a squirrel.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
[Moses] is obsessed with hip-hop and wanted a gold chain like his uncle Jay-Z.
Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they're seeing?
Humor is everywhere in that there's irony in just about anything a human does.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.
Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.
A funny thing happened on the way to the election - I got to the Senate first.
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
I never wanted to go on stage alone because if you mess up, who can you blame?
A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.
The Yankees are only interested in one thing, and I have no idea what that is.