Quotes of All Topics . Occasions . Authors
People don't realize that I'm really funny and I'm an excellent bridge player.
Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious.
There has been much tragedy in my life; at least half of it actually happened.
The person who proclaimed me Best Dressed Man never saw me in my sport outfit.
If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies.
Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Las Vegas is the only place I know where money really talks--it says, Goodbye.
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
I realized my family was funny, because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.
I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.
Time is like money, the less we have of it to spare the further we make it go.
You spend all your life trying to do something they put people in asylums for.
The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.
Drawing is like making an expressive gesture with the advantage of permanence.
Sure, luck means a lot in football. Not having a good quarterback is bad luck.
Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease.
Never vote for the best candidate, vote for the one who will do the least harm.
Beethoven can't really be great because his picture isn't on a bubble gum card.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it because I was so happy all the time.
I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.
A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.
Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.
Be glad that you're greedy; the national economy would collapse if you weren't.
I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers to die in the dressing room.
I graduated a the top of my class in the '84 Olympic Games; I won a gold medal.
Sir one more comment like that and I will strangle you with my microphone wire!
We scored a season-high, yeah - albeit against a team that is somewhat tanking.
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
Brass bands are all very well in their place - outdoors and several miles away.
Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light.
Be precise. A lack of precision is dangerous when the margin of error is small.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.
I allow a lot of room for improvisation and funny stuff. I always feel planned.
The early bird may get the worm, but its the second mouse that gets the cheese.
The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.
I went to rehab [for alcoholism] in wine country, just to keep my options open.
The best way to turn a woman's head is to tell her she has a beautiful profile.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.
Ceremonies are the first thing to be attended to in the practice of government.
If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.
Today's parents grew up with the silly notion that music was meant to be heard.
Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
If God had wanted us to play football in the sky, He'd have put grass up there.
Judgement comes from experience, and great judgement comes from bad experience.